


Tumblr-Girl

by gedankengespenst



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Rape, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Swearing, implied rape, supportive Misha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2018-11-05 13:02:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11013993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gedankengespenst/pseuds/gedankengespenst
Summary: You have heard a lot about the support of the SPN-Family on tumblr, but when you need it yourself, who will be there for you and will it be enough support to keep you safe?





	1. Seeking the family

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")
> 
> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I promise, I'll answer as soon as I see it. :)

**Your POV**

“Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.” you said to yourself. You felt the beginning panic attack, your pulse increased, tears welled up in your eyes and you your lungs couldn’t get enough air. “Breathe out. Breathe in.” you continued your mantra. Your whole body was shaking, but you knew it would eventually get better. After a few minutes of just breathing your body calmed down and you took your phone to distract yourself. There was not a lot going on on tumblr but you just scrolled through your dashboard, multiple times you saw postings about the unbelievable support from the SPNfamily and how they cared about their “family members”. You considered yourself as a family member since quite a long time and you often posted help-seeking texts, but not one time you got an answer to those. You just were not important, to anybody, nobody wants to talk to you. Tears started welling up again and you sobbed quietly. Before you knew what you were doing you typed a short text:

> **_Kinda hard_ **
> 
> _ Hey SPNfamily, _
> 
> _ I read many, many things about your support of family members, but it is hard to get into the family, isn’t it? I really considered me as member, but I couldn’t really get into contact with anyone. I needed a lot of support in the last few weeks and tbh nobody answered my questions for help, for someone to talk. I’m kinda sad about that. _

You pressed the “send”-button and buried yourself in your blanket. It took just a few minutes before you heard a sound of your phone. You ignored it, you were sure it was someone who complained about you being an attention-seeking bitch. You cried yourself into a very restless sleep.

In the middle of the night you woke up, your eyes swollen from crying and your pillow soaking wet. Tired and with a bad headache you stood up to get yourself a glass of water and a dry pillow. You saw the notification on your mobile and decided to look at it, you wouldn’t be able to sleep for a couple of hours anyway. It was a private message in your tumblr inbox from a user called oldbonesgoingdown.

> _ “Hey girl, _
> 
> _ Just saw your post and was a bit worried about you, so I decided to write you to be sure you are okay. I’ve experienced that unfortunately it can happen that support-seeking posts drown in the floods of SPNfandom posts, gifs, fanfics (you surely know what I’m talking about) _
> 
> _ In spite of that I wanted to make sure you know I’m here. In case nobody else recognized your post, I did, and I really wY/N help you in every way I can.  _
> 
> _ You don’t have to talk to me, if you don’t need to or if you don’t want to, but please just let me know if you’re alright, ok? _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown” _

You read the text again and again, there was no hate in it, no accusation, just care. A light smile appeared on your face as you tapped at the “answer”-button and wrote a few lines.

> “ _ Hello you, _
> 
> _ I know it’s late (at least here it’s about 3 a.m.) and I hope I don’t wake you but I just wanted to thank you for your message. Tbh I had a sort of bad moment when I wrote the post and I didn’t thought that anyone would actually care about it. It never happened before that someone cared about me. So thank you! J _
> 
> _ And I would really appreciate to have someone to talk to, I just think I will need some time to jump over my own shadow, it isn’t easy for me to share this stuff which isn’t even interesting. _
> 
> _ Looking forward to hear from you, _
> 
> _ Y/N _ ”

You put your mobile on the floor next to your bed and closed your eyes as you heard that notification-sound again. *Wow, he or she is fast!* you thought, a few seconds you considered leaving your phone alone until in the morning but then your curiosity won and you unlocked your screen.

> _ “Hey _
> 
> _ Thanks for your reply, Y/N, is this your real name, Y/N? I like it, it’s a beautiful name, your parents did well here.  _
> 
> _ Don’t worry, you didn’t wake me, I couldn’t sleep so I listened to some songs when I got your message, why are you awake this late? Is everything okay? You didn’t specifically say that you are alright, but I hope you are. Take all the time you need, you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to, I don’t want to push, I just wY/N say I’m here to listen, to talk. Don’t rush, my dear. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown” _
> 
> And a few seconds after the first message arrived there was a second, really short one.
> 
> _ “I was really happy when I saw your message, so I instantly replied, I hope I don’t scared you off.” _

You smiled. He, you were very sure now that this was a male because of the comment on your name, really read your message, detected the little things, that you haven’t answered his question, that you put your real name at the end of it and things like that.

> _ “Yes, Y/N it’s my real name, I’m glad you like it, to be honest I don’t like it, but it fits to my person, it’s just as normal as I am, I think. _
> 
> _ For the moment I think I’m quite okay, I cried myself into sleep tonight and I woke up a few minutes ago. Got some water and a fresh pillow and saw your message so I thought I quickly answer it. But if you are tired, go to bed, I don’t want to keep you up all night. _
> 
> _ Btw you didn’t scare me off, don’t worry, but you are a fast writer! _
> 
> _ Greetings, Y/N” _

You sent the message and stared at the display of your phone waiting for his next text, minutes went by and you got sad again, maybe he really got to sleep now, you could understand it, you were just a boring, unnecessary person, no one would like to write with you. No one would like to hear about your problems. Now YOU scared HIM off. Shit, tears started rolling down your face once more as you put your phone away. Desperately you took that razor, which you used to store in your nightstand and with fast moves you slid it across your skin, ten times, maybe twenty times. You saw the little red drops and a sad smile appeared on your face. After some time you watched the drops of blood on your wrist you took a tissue, pressed it on the cuts slightly and fixed it with some bandage. Then without looking on your mobile you went to bed, falling in a deep but restless sleep.

 

**Mishas POV**

I was just scrolling through my tumblr dashboard and commented on a few things, I was glad I had this idea with the second account. I enjoyed that nobody knew it was me and I could communicate with the other users just normal. Just like they communicate with each other. I made some great experiences with those people, which are supporting each other as good as they could. I read a few texts as a very short one catches my attention. He or she said the SPNfamily just doesn’t answer his/her asks for support. I looked at the profile and figured out that it was a girl talking, but I was worried, she sounded like she wasn’t well, like she had nobody to lean on. I waited a few minutes but nobody reacted to her text and I felt like I had to do something, so I shot her a quick message asking if she was okay.

Hours later I was still worried about this girl, she hasn’t answered yet and I wasn’t sure what to do. A quick look on my mobile told me it was nearly 2 a.m., shit, I had filming tomorrow. I tried to put myself into bed and get some sleep, but I couldn’t close one eye. So I turned some music on on my phone and thought about what to do. Minutes went by as suddenly the music stopped for a moment and a soft noise said that I got a message. In a flash I took my mobile read the short message and smiled for a short moment, it was from that tumblr-girl, then I read the message again, it was no doubt she was having a hard time, that made me sad. I quickly wrote a reply and sent it, fuck, that was too fast, she might think I am a stalker or something. I shot a short second message explaining the situation and waited, hoping for an answer.

Not much time went by as my phone buzzed again, I saw a message from that tumblr-girl in my inbox but at the time I wanted to answer my phone went out. Shit. I was looking for the charger everywhere until I realised I forgot it on set. Shit. Quickly I started up my laptop and read her message again and answered.

> _ “Don’t think like that, Y/N. I don’t know you that well (at least now), but I think you are an interesting person, you seem there are a lot of interesting things to know about you and I would like to get to know them all.  _
> 
> _ Oh my dear, I hope you are better now, I feel with you, I know this feeling when your head puts up some cruel ideas and you can’t do anything but believing it, I really know it, but it will pass, at least for a while. And remember, I am here, girl, I am. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown _
> 
> _ PS.: And I don’t think Y/N is an normal, boring name, like you said, I think it sounds very light, adorable and lovely, I don’t know anybody who is called Y/N. I really like the sound of it.  _

I waited and waited but nothing came back. I checked the time again, it was after 4 am. Shit. I layed down and within some minutes I fell to sleep, hoping I did nothing wrong to her.


	2. What comes next?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")

**Your POV**

The next day you woke up, your body in pain and extremely tired, you swore you would never again trust a single human being who wants to help and certainly not some guy on tumblr. Yesterday you thought this guy really cared, that you have finally found someone to get this weight from your shoulders, but as everyone else he just let you down. Just wanted to play a knight until he read this few lines and recognized your unappealing character, until the game got boring, as it always does when you were involved. You decided to get a long, hot shower to please your body and after that you checked the cuts on your wrist, they weren’t very deep, it would just take a few days for them to heal, they probably wouldn’t even leave scars. Good. You hated the scars on your wrist, where too many people could see them, there were a lot more scars above your elbow and on your tights because hiding them there was a lot easier. You just cut on your wrist when you didn’t really think about what you did. When you just urged to feel your body, when your mind completely shuts down.

You put on your favourite hoodie and some jogging pants and thought about checking your tumblr inbox. No. You just promised yourself not to do this again, maybe you should just delete that app from your mobile phone. But you couldn’t get yourself to do it, not yet, so you just went to your phone settings and switched off the tumblr-notifications. You don’t want to hear anything of that guy anymore, you thought.

 

**Mishas POV**

As I woke up in the morning I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be, I looked at the time and jumped out of my bed shocked. Shit. It was nearly 10, filming started at quarter to 10. I put on a pair of comfortable jeans and a simple T-shirt, then I rushed to the bathroom, brushed my teeth while fixing my messy hair. Why wasn’t there any alarm? Oh, my mobile was still off because of the lack of battery. Shit. In my car I plugged in the portable charger and instantly messages came in. I quickly looked at it and hoped for a message of the tumblr-girl from the night before but as I unlocked the screen there were just seven texts and two missed calls from Jensen.

> _ Morning, I’m going a bit earlier today, want me to pick you up? -Jensen _
> 
> _ I’m leaving in 10, if you want me to pick you up, tell me. –Jensen _
> 
> _ Okay, I’m leaving now. I guess I’ll see you on set in 30 minutes. – J _
> 
> _ Where are you, buddy? Late night yesterday? ;) _
> 
> _ Hey Misha, where are you? They are looking for you, shooting starts in 20 _
> 
> _ Mish, where are you? Forgot your job, huh? _
> 
> _ Misha? _

I shook my head. Shit. They are gonna hate me. I quickly wrote a text to Jensen

> _ Hey buddy, I overslept, I’m sorry will be there asap – Misha _

I got on set just 20 minutes later, although everyone was ready and waiting for me, I was a bit embarrassed and tried to get ready very quickly so we could start filming. When I sat down at the make-up table, Sarah, the make-up artist looked at me shocked. “Is something wrong?” I asked her confused. She stared at me and pointed at my eyes “Did you stayed up the whole night?” she asked blankly. I looked at me in the mirror and recognized the dark shadows below my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I said “but you can fix this, can’t you?” I replied with a little smile. She sighed “It will be a lot of work, but I think I can.” I nodded and let her start applying loads of make-up to my face.

I was tired the whole day, every now and then my mind went off to the tumblr-girl which hasn’t responded since last night. I was messing up constantly and at some point Jensen talked to the director to get some time for a break. Then he came back and looked at me “Everything okay, buddy?” he asked and I nodded instantly “It’s just because you are absent the whole time, what’s going on?” he kept going. I sighed quietly, not sure if I should tell him about the situation going on but then you nodded “See, I was on tumblr yesterday-“ – “What?” he stared at my perplexed “You were on tumblr? What did you do, read fanfictions about us?” he laughed, but as he saw my concerned face he got serious again and just said “go on.”

“Yeah, I just like to see what people are doing to each other, there are incredible supporting and helpful people out there. I really love to see how they are a family just as we are.” I smiled but then I got back to the subject “but yesterday I met this girl on tumblr, she sounded really desperate and more or less asked the community for support.” I looked at him and he nodded slowly and I kept going. “I- I don’t know, there was nobody responding so I just shot her a message with some nice lines, you know. I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing.” I looked at my feet “She responded somewhere in the middle of the night, I was still awake, maybe because I was a bit worried about her, she sounded desperate, like she had nobody to talk, we wrote a short time, maybe two or three messages and then my phone battery went out, I had to look for my charger but didn’t find it so some minutes passed and when I finally sent her a message from my laptop she didn’t respond. I heard nothing from her since then. I- I’m just worried, Jensen.” I finished.

Jensen nodded again and gave me a gentle hug. “I understand.” He smiled “You are simply too precious for this world, buddy, but I understand. I hope she is responding soon, maybe she is just as tired as you are and overslept as well, or she needs just a little time, I’m sure she is okay.” He patted my shoulder and I gave him a weak smile. “I hope so.” I said “Okay, let’s get back to work and wrap the thing for today.”

**Your POV**

Since you had your day off every Friday you had no duties to do today, you just stayed at home and listened to some music, did your laundry, tried to keep yourself busy. But you couldn’t forget about this guy. Every now and then you started crying, your head felt like it would burst any second and you just couldn’t anymore. You thought a long time about killing yourself, you wouldn’t be a burden for anybody anymore, but you couldn’t get yourself to do it. Instead you took a pill against your headache and grabbed the bottle of white wine from the fridge. Of course you knew that medication and alcohol weren’t a good combination, but who cares, if you die you die. At least it would be over then. So you sipped at the bottle turned on the TV and started watching Supernatural, again.

Short time later the warm feeling of the alcohol in your blood helped you to relax a bit, you got more emotional and you started crying at some points of the TV-show. You really loved the characters, you loved the connection between the brothers and between Dean and Cass, how they did everything for another and you were sad that you had no friend, no family, to rely on just as they do.

When your thoughts beat you up again and you forced yourself to breathe slowly, when you tried to calm yourself down you took your mobile and opened the tumblr app without thinking. Your eyes focussed immediately on the little symbol above the inbox-sign. Two new messages. You were shivering as you opened your inbox and the chat with  _ oldbonesgoingdown,  _ you read the message, which arrived maybe half an hour after your message yesterday, when you were too freaked out to watch your phone.

> _ “Don’t think like that, Y/N. I don’t know you that well (now), but I think you are an interesting person, you seem like there are a lot of interesting things to know about you and I would like to get to know them all.  _
> 
> _ Oh my dear, I hope you are better now, I feel with you, I know this feeling when your head puts up some cruel ideas and you can’t do anything but believing it, I really know it, but it will pass, at least for a while. And remember, I am here, girl, I am. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown _
> 
> _ PS.: And I don’t think Y/N is an normal, boring name, like you said, I think it sounds very light, adorable and lovely, I don’t know anybody who is called Y/N. I really like the sound of it.  _

You had to read the message multiple times, tears rushing down your face, struggling for air, but then a soft smile reached your face. When you scrolled down to the second message, also from  _ oldbonesgoingdown _ the smile vanished as fast as it appeared.

> _ Hey Y/N, _
> 
> _ I haven’t heard from you all day, so I decided to ask once again if you are okay. I hope I said nothing that could have intimidated you, if I did, I’m so sorry. I just need to know how you are doing. _
> 
> _ Please, just shoot me a short message. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown _
> 
> _ Ps. If I said something that annoyed you, or if you just want me to stop messaging, just say it, I don’t want to force you to anything, I just care about you. _

There once was a person who cared and you managed to disappoint him in under a day, you aren’t worth getting the care of a person as nice as this guy seemed. In spite of you knowing you weren’t worth his attention you wrote a short message, to tell him you were still alive, because you couldn’t do the favour to the world and kill yourself.

> _ Hey stranger – I still just know your tumblr-id? _
> 
> _ I’m alive is maybe the best I can say after today. I’m far from alright although I’m drunk and crying while watching the boys kill monsters, but your message gave me a smile. I didn’t want to make you wait for my complaints and for sure I didn’t want you make you worry. _
> 
> _ I know (no, I don’t understand it, but you told me) you care about me and you want to hear things about me and for the moment you know some things about me (My name is Y/N, I’m good at disappointing people, getting myself into trouble and being a burden for others and I’m a huge SPN fan as I’m in the family) but I just want to know some things about you, at least a name, please. _
> 
> _ And of course I don’t want you to stop writing, but I know who I am, so if you want me to stop, yeah, just tell me, I think. _
> 
> _ Greetings, Y/N _

The fact that you were drunk made you write things you hadn’t told anybody if you were sober, anybody. You wrote as you thought, don’t beat around the bush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I promise, I'll answer as soon as I see it. :)


	3. Drunk confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")
> 
> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I promise, I'll answer as soon as I see it. :)

**Mishas POV**

I was worried about my tumblr-girl and to be honest I felt some responsibility for her, I was the one who wrote to her when he needed someone, I gave her hope so I couldn’t simply stop caring for her. It was strange, though she was basically a total stranger to me, I felt that something was wrong when she didn’t replied for the whole day, so I typed a short message to her, hoping she recognized that she wasn’t alone in the world, and that I don’t give up that easy.

Some hours passed but eventually I heard the sound of my phone, notifying me that I got a new message. I first was glad and couldn’t wait to read what she wrote to me, but when I opened the inbox and the message I gasped for air. After reading the first line I knew she was serious here, she really thought about killing herself and she had a really bad impression of herself. I didn’t know what to do, but then I started typing a text.

> _ “Hey Y/N, _
> 
> _ First things first, I’m glad you are alive, I’m glad you wrote me and I’m glad my texts gave you a smile and I hope Sam and Dean help you through this hard times. :)“ _
> 
> I stopped, it was hard for me to find the right words, I wasn’t even sure if it was right to type just a message, shouldn’t I get her help? I read the message once again and continued writing.
> 
> _ I’m not sure what to do, Y/N, I won’t stop writing to you if you don’t want me to, like I said some times before, I care! You are important, and no, that’s not just a phrase, I mean you are important to me, I always love getting texts from you, I’m really looking forward to it when I press >send<. I know you might think I know you just by a few messages, and it may be right, but…“ _

Yeah, but…? But there is a connection between us? But I feel responsible for you? But I can’t sleep without knowing you are alright? I didn’t want to sound like a creep, or anything like that. I stood up, walked around a bit and took some deep breaths before sitting down again, staring at the display of my laptop. I read the whole letter again and again, then I started typing on

> _ “… I can be someone to lean on, I want to be someone to lean on for you. You are part of the family so you are not alone, I’m here. I promise, I’m here when you need me. _
> 
> _ Do you want to tell me what’s going on over there, in your life, what makes you feel bad? I promise I’m a good listener and I’m available anytime you need somebody to listen and to talk. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown” _

I just wanted to send it when I stopped, she asked for a name, my name. Should I lie? I felt guilty as I wrote some normal name, no, I couldn’t do that, I promised her to be here for her, I couldn’t lie about that detail. I sat there, rested my head in my hands for quite a time to think about this problem, I didn’t want to reveal myself, I was afraid she would think I wanted to mess with her or on the other hand she could freak out and block the conversation, I had no idea what to do and I typed a text to Jensen, but before I could press send I got the idea. A small smile appeared on my face when I typed a PS to the message.

> _ “PS.: My name is Dmitri, it’s not that common here in the US, but I have some Russian ancestors and over there it’s quite normal, I’m travelling a lot for my job, mostly in the US. I hope I could help you with these information. _

 

**Your POV**

The next day when you woke up your head felt like exploding and your stomach made some strange noises, slowly you sat on your bed, trying to realize the situation, one and a half empty wine bottles stood next to your bed and on the TV was still the menu of the fifth season of supernatural. You took the remote, turned off the TV, then stood up and tapped with shaky steps to the bathroom. You reached the bathroom just right to empty the entire content of your belly in the toilet. Great. Gasping for air you searched for the toilet paper to wipe your mouth. Before you found it you hat to vomit again and again. After some minutes of throwing up, catching breath and drinking some mouthful of water you sat on the bathroom floor and tried to figure out what you have done the day before. There was nothing, you couldn’t remember a damn thing from last night, a glance at your wrists and arms showed that you hadn’t hurt yourself, so far so good. You sat there for at least half an hour, your mind wandered off until your stomach felt better.

After wiping your mouth again, brushing your teeth and drinking another few gulps of water you got up and went back to your bedroom to get your phone. Now embarrassing messages sent, no stupid phone-calls made, there was just one other stupid thing you could have done last night. You closed your eyes as you didn’t want to see your tumblr-inbox. One new message. Arrived yesterday night. Fuck. After some time of hesitation you opened the text.

You read the first few words of the new message and your throat dried out in a second, what did you do? What did you say? You scrolled up to the previous message, to the one you wrote yesterday, and tears welled up when you read your desperate words. Why? You let the drops roll down your face, why can’t you just be as normal as every other human? Once again you had to throw up and your complete was shaking when you chocked but there was nothing left in your stomach. Tired and crying you rested your head in your hands Fuck.

When you decided to read the rest of his message, you were sure he was telling you that he couldn’t write with you anymore, because you were too freaky, too messed up for him. Streams of tears rushed down your cheeks. The voices in your head laughed at you, because for a moment you thought you found someone to share your thoughts, your problems, with. But you couldn’t keep someone near you, you were boring, nobody wants to waist his time with you. You were just a nobody, not important, nobody should have to listen to you, to your lifestories, which were unnecessary, who would want to hear this stories, the stories how you became who you are, who would be interested? You couldn’t stop crying, your body cramped and your lungs didn’t get enough air, you gasped once more, tried to calm yourself down but couldn’t handle it, the panic attack came too fast and hit you too hard. After struggling for quite a time everything turned black, you felt your head hitting something hard, maybe a part of your bed, then you passed out and felt nothing anymore.

You woke up hours later, still lying in your bed, your head hurting awfully and you remembered the panic attack, you suffered earlier. With your hand you examined your head for some serious injuries, you felt your hair stick together on the back of your head and you winced when you touched the spot where the wound was, but it wasn’t big, you could easily hide it behind your hair. Good.

Afraid of the words you would read now you took your phone and opened the message – again – and read it out loud:

> _ “Hey Y/N, _
> 
> _ First things first, I’m glad you are alive, I’m glad you wrote me and I’m glad my texts gave you a smile and I hope Sam and Dean help you through this hard times. :)” _

Yeah, sure he was glad you were alive, he had to say that, hasn’t he? It would be more than morbid not to say so, but although this line gave you a smile, he was happy to hear from you, even if that was just a line it was a nice one. With that smile on your lips you carried on to his second paragraph:

> _ “I’m not sure what to do, Y/N, I won’t stop writing to you if you don’t want me to, like I said some times before, I care! You are important, and no, that’s not just a phrase, I mean you are important to me, I always love getting texts from you, I’m really looking forward to it when I press >send<. “ _

A little tear rolled down your cheek, nobody has ever said something like that to you, and in some way you wanted to believe it, you wanted to be the one he was interested in, the one whose messages he awaits excited. You never were that person, but you would love to be. Quickly you wiped your tears away and continued reading.

> _ “I know you might think I know you just by a few messages, and it may be right, but I can be someone to lean on, I want to be someone to lean on for you. You are part of the family so you are not alone, I’m here. I promise, I’m here when you need me. _
> 
> _ Do you want to tell me what’s going on over there, in your life, what makes you feel bad? I promise I’m a good listener and I’m available anytime you need somebody to listen and to talk. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown _
> 
> _ “PS.: My name is Dmitri, it’s not that common here in the US, but I have some Russian ancestors and over there it’s quite normal, I’m travelling a lot for my job, mostly in the US. I hope I could help you with these information. “ _

Wow, that was quite a letter, and it was super supportive, you really got the feeling he wanted to be there for you, it made you smile, it made your body shiver but in a positive way now, you were exited to write back to him. All the lies you told yourself earlier were nearly swiped away, just a little bit stayed, a little bit of self-doubt, if he really meant what he said, but for the moment you just couldn’t wait to hear more from him, Dmitri.

> _ “Hey Dmitri (nice to finally know how to address this right :D), _
> 
> _ Wow, thank you for your supportive as hell message. After giving me a panic attack it helped me to get on my feet again today. No worries, the panic attack was caused by me, be these nasty voices in my head. _
> 
> _ I’m sorry I scared you yesterday, as I said I was drunk and I had a very hard day, as you probably could imagine by my words, but I’m better today, thanks to you, and yeah, we know each other just by a few messages, but I think there is good talking to you, my friend, so let’s keep this up and find out if this can last. _
> 
> _ You asked what’s going on here and I honestly can’t tell, I often just don’t know why I feel that bad, It just hits me from time to time and often doesn’t let me go for quite a while and for this times I was looking for support in the SPN-family, you see? So there are good times as well, I’m not an all-time-depressive ;) _
> 
> _ Enough talk about me, I’m not that important, what’s going on in your life? There is surely a lot of stuff which is more interesting than that things about me, isn’t it? _
> 
> _ Looking forward to your message, _
> 
> _ Y/N" _

Your message was painfully honest, but after that you wrote yesterday you thought he could handle it and it was nice to get those things of your chest. After you sent it you went back to your bed and forgot yourself in some daydreaming about your mysterious but unbelievable sweet tumblr-boy.


	4. Escalation point reached?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")  
> IMPORTANT: This and the following chapters were beta-read by the precious sinceriouslyamellpadalecki (that's her tumblr name), she helped me a lot with grammar and spelling. She is a wonderful person!
> 
> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I really, really enjoy hearing your opinion about the fic. :)

**Mishas POV**

When I opened the message, just a few minutes after it got in, I felt guilty when I only read the introduction. It was wrong, I wasn’t called Dmitri, yeah I was given that name but I don’t use it anymore. I sat on my bed and stared at my phone. I regretted not telling her my real name, of course it was a risk on the first moment, but she wouldn’t think that I would really be on tumblr, nobody knows that and by the amount of family-members there were surely some other Mishas. But now? If I told her now she will certainly get the relation of those two names I told her. I had to play Dmitri for a while, even if I felt bad with it.

I quickly read the rest of her message and could nearly feel the self-doubt, but as it looks she got a bit better compared to the text before. She seemed pleased to have someone to throw her thoughts on, but on the other hand she tried to make herself look unimportant.

> _ “Hello Y/N, _
> 
> _ Nice to hear you are better, even if it’s just for now (If it gets bad again, I’m here). Tell those voices they have no more room here because my voice is here instead. :) Don’t listen to them you can do better, you deserve better than those nasty voices talking. _
> 
> _ You don’t have to be sorry, although I didn’t really know what to say, I’m kinda glad you told me the truth, so I can better understand in which situation you are. It shows that you are a honest person. _
> 
> _ I see, I see. Have you ever thought about what could be the trigger to such feelings? Maybe disputes with people you like? Nasty comments? Bad grades/bad success at work? Often you don’t really catch the trigger but your brain catches every one of them, even if you know they aren’t meant seriously. _
> 
> _ Please never ever talk like that about yourself. Would I still be here if I wasn’t interested in getting to know you? As you said I could stop writing and I didn’t, I won’t, your life is interesting, your life is worth talking about forever. But I don’t want you to stand in the dark about my personality. I worked really hard for my job, I often had moments when I thought giving up would be much easier, but I kept fighting for it, now I’m quite successful in a long running company. Like I said I’m on the road very often so there isn’t a lot of time for private things. _
> 
> _ So now about you again, tell me something about you I don’t know by now, there are sooo many things, just pick something, something you want to share. _
> 
> _ Love, oldbonesgoingdown” _

 

**Your POV**

Days went by and Dmitri supported you as good as he could. He didn’t tell a lot about himself, but you were okay with that, you understood that he didn’t want to talk about himself, you were the same for some time now, but with him it was easier for you to open up. You told him everything that bothered you, what pulled you down, when you had panic attacks and why. Sure, you were interested who was on the other side of the line, but on the other hand you didn’t want to push him to something, and for sure you didn’t want to lose him. He was caring, and he was there for you when you needed him the most.

The first time since months you went to university every day and you had that feeling that you got everything together, slowly but constantly, you really understood the praise of the SPNfamily now. Nearly every day you wrote Dmitri at least one message and you got an answer, every time, you got into normal talking, when he realised you were getting better he didn’t stop caring for you, once in a while he always asked if you were okay and you normally answered with “of course”.

Two or three weeks after your first contact with Dmitri it happened; no he didn't do anything wrong, he was always his caring self; you accidentally overheard the girls from your course at uni talking in the bathroom. “What about Y/N? You think she is lesbian?” – “No, she just isn’t able to get a boyfriend, she is going to die alone, just look at her, who wants to be with her?” Then they laughed and went back to class. You just sat there on the toilet and your felt your heart speed up, you knew they were right, no one was interested in you, you had no one, just some strange guy you met over the internet, he could be a total creep. You realized you were alone, it was a total illusion that there was somebody for you. Even if Dmitri wrote you, what did you really know about him? You didn't know where he was living, where he worked and what as, you didn't even know what he looked like. And if you did find out, would it really change things? He still wouldn’t be there, you still would be alone.

After a relatively long time without panic attack this one hit you right at your weak spot. You couldn’t catch any air and you got dizzy. You realized you had to go or you would pass out on the university-toilet. You unlocked the door, tried to cool your face with some cold water as it went black in front of your eyes and you collapsed, hit your head on the sink and felt yourself fall to the floor, then you were gone.

Beep. Beep. Beep. This sound made you insane, what was that? Stop that. You tried to open your eyes, where were you? Beep. Beep. Beep. “Stop.” You whispered, your throat completely dried out. Again you tried to open your eyes and this time it worked but after a fraction of a second you snapped it close again, it was unbelievably dazzling. Where? Your lungs reached for air, your head hurts. The speed of the beeping-sound increased, beep, beep, beep, beep. What was happening? You didn’t know what to do, your eyes opened once again, now longer. Suddenly there was a woman next to you. "Calm down honey. You're okay, your're safe." You stared at her, unable to move. Trying again, you managed to say the word "Stop" before coughing dryly.

The woman beside you held out a cup of water, and watched as you took it from her hand. 

"Here, drink this honey. It'll help." Before she even finished speaking, you had drunk the whole cup down.. You shivered, but manage to speak, louder than before.

"Stop"

"What should I say stop Honey?" the woman asked, looking at you with a questioning look. You pointed to the direction you thought the sound was coming from, and the woman smiled. “Ahh. Yes, sure.” She pressed some buttons and the sound was out. 

“Thanks” you whispered. “Where? – I mean.. What is this?” you desperately looked at the woman. She smiled. “You’re in hospital. One of your classmates found you passed out on the university toilets yesterday. Your head hit the sink and you needed some stittches. When you looked down on yourself you saw your arm in a plaster, you stared at her. “Yeah, you also broke your upper arm, probably when you hit the floor, honey, but that is going to get better.” – “Okay. And when can I leave?” you asked. The nurse seemed sad “What is it?” you asked her a bit annoyed. “Honey, when the doctors put your arm in plaster, they…” she stopped, she didn’t know how to carry on. “They did what?” you got a bit angry. “They, no, we saw some scars, some healed and some fresh ones. So… you have to stay a bit longer, the doctors prescribed you an appointment with Dr. Richard, the psychiatrist of the hospital. He will get here in a few minutes; I already told him you are awake.” You stared at her “I won’t –“ – “You’ll have to, darling.” Just in that second somebody knocked at the door. “Come in.” the nurse said and a very young man came in the room. “Hello Abbey” he said to the nurse “And hello Y/N, how are you doing?” he asked and looked at you with a smile. “I’m Jacob, Jacob Richard.” He introduced himself. Wow. To be honest you hadn’t expected to see such a young and pretty guy as a psychiatrist. “I’m…. I think I’m well.” You said and watched his lips again turning to a smile. “Okay. Would you mind if we talk a few minutes? Just some smooth, normal talking?” You looked in Abbey's direction for her approval, she smiled giving her silent approval, before heading out the room, carefully pulling the door closed behind her as she left.

"If Abbey seems to think it's okay, then I guess it's okay. I don't really have much choice in the matter though, do I?" You watched the Doctor half smile, carefully thinking about what he wanted to say, before he spoke again.

"You are correct, but we can save the nasty questions for another time. We can discuss nicer things today." You nodded. You never thought a psychiatrist could be this nice. “So what are you studying at university?”  - “I’m in my 3 rd semester of German and just started Business-Maths as a second subject.” – “Wow, that sounds nice. An unusual combination, isn’t it?”  You nodded again. “Yeah. Many people say that, but I just need this ‘solving riddles’, and Maths is exactly that, solving riddles, logic, understanding. I kinda need that.” Now he nodded. It really was a smooth talk, talking seemed to help calm you. Between the two of you, you talked & talked, answering all of his questions. And as you talked, you found out little facts about him: where he was from, what pets he had, and the reason he became a Psychiatrist. After what seemed like forever, but was only an hour, Dr Richard said he had to go, as he had other patients to go see. Before he left, he gave you a card with his number on, telling you that if you ever needed to talk on the phone, or arrange an appointment to talk in person, to call the number on the card. You didn't say anything, simply nodded your head, and watched as he left your room.

When he walked out of the door, Abbey came back in. “You have to stay just another night, the doctor said. Just to see if your head is okay, it hit the sink very hard, you know.” – “I feel it.” You answered and gave her a little smile. “You will get some more painkillers and then try to sleep, it will help you to recover quickly.” She gently patted your shoulder and left as well.

The next day the doctor came in, told you some medical details and that you had to wear the plaster for about six weeks, then he showed you your things and said you could leave now. You gave him a smile, took your clothes and threw the hospital shirt on the bed. Before you could leave the room Abbey came back and gave you the prescription for your medication, some painkiller and the other ones were antidepressants, what you found out after googling the name. You thanked her and left.

At the pharmacy you got your medication, but you didn’t intended to swallow any of it. All the blame was on you, so it was only right that you felt it; the pain, your emotions and feelings, all of it. You needed them, you earnt them, you couldn’t just swipe them away with some pills.In the drama of the last few days you had completely forgot to text Dmitri, what with talking to Dr Richard. The talk had been nice, and there really wasn't much left to talk about, in your mind at least. Texting Dmitri simply got forgotten about.

 

**Mishas POV**

The last weeks went good, Y/N did well, it seemed as she recovered fast. I wrote to her nearly every day, it was strange when one day was without a message, but if that happened it was always explained the next day, I got to know her very well. When I didn’t got a message back from her it for nearly three days now I was worried again, what happened to her? She never just stayed quiet like now. I shot her some messages and got a bit stressed out, just like the first time I got no response from her. But what could I do, except waiting?

 

When it was nearly 3 days gone by, I texted Jensen.

_ “Jensen, remember that tumblr-girl I told you about? -Misha” _

_ \---“Yeah, what happened with her, is she feeling better -J” _

_ “I thought so, but she hasn’t answered for some time now? Should I be worried?” _

_ \---“You are anyway, buddy, you wouldn’t have texted me if you weren’t. So how can I help you?” _

_ “I don’t know, what should I do?” _

_ \---“Time for a walk? I think it’s easier to talk about that than typing.” _

_ “Okay. See you in 5min outside?” _

_ \---“That’s fine, see you in 5” _

 

When Jensen saw me outside he hugged me tight. “So buddy, tell me, tell me everything. Don’t you dare skip a detail.” The tone of his voice calmed me, and as Jensen started to walk, I open up as I walked along side him. I told him everything that happened since the last time Y/N and I talked. I also told him that I had the feeling I failed, that I had somehow failed at keeping Y/N happy. Jensen listened as I spoke about just how worried I was, and how I felt something bad must have happened. I hoped that my gut feelings were wrong, but until Y/N messaged me, all I could do was worry.


	5. Finding a new friend?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")
> 
> IMPORTANT: This and the following chapters were beta-read by the precious sinceriouslyamellpadalecki (that's her tumblr name), she helped me a lot with grammar and spelling. She is a wonderful person!
> 
> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I promise, I'll answer as soon as I see it. :)

**Your POV**

Some time passed, a few days, maybe a week, the medication you got stood untouched on the sink in your bathroom, your arm hurt awfully, but you couldn’t get yourself to take the painkillers. You had some more talks with Dr. Richard; he was nice, he seemed like he cared about you. You found out he was just a few years older than you, he lived alone, a bit outside the city. Every time you met him you both continued your question-answer game, it never was boring, you got to know him better and your relationship turned. Dr Richards was no longer Dr Richards to you, but now Jacob, and you often met with Jacob for some coffee, lunch or even for a drink in the evening together. He became a very good friend and you found yourself telling him things that you would normally tell Dmitri. However you still didn’t feel that comfortable to tell him everything about you, so you weren’t as honest with the Doctor as you were with your your Tumblr friend. ,

You were not in the mood to look up your tumblr, most of it was sad stuff you posted when you had some of your hard days, and since you turned off the notifications you didn’t even see if someone wrote to you. No, that was not true, to be honest, you sometimes thought about checking up your social media pages, but… you couldn’t get yourself to do it, it hurt too much. You knew Dmitri had probably shot you a few messages, but Jacob told you once that if you bury yourself too deep in that online friendship you would lose contact to your environment, to the people who mattered in your real life.In one way this argument was clear to you, but on the other side there was no one in your real life, maybe beside of Jacob, that was really important to you. So you were in a conflict with yourself, but you decided for the moment to listen to Jacob and to keep social media mute, even if it was hard at first. It somehow felt like you lost a good friend, but on the other side the girls in your university were right, you would end up alone if you didn’t keep your mind focussed on the real things.

Somehow this situation reminded you of the Supernatural episode, when Dean showed Sam to press this one point on his hand to stay in reality, it hurt but it was necessary, you felt exactly as Sam did. It kept you where you really were, who you were, this unimportant girl nobody cares about. Maybe Jacob was your Dean, who kept you real? Although you understood why you did that step, your anxiety got back, not in the moments you were with Jacob, but when you were alone. It got worse, but you told nobody. You didn’t want to be that wreck again, you could not disappoint Jacob. There were only two opportunities, either you continued playing the healthy, good girl or you stopped it, did it right this time, no step back.

 

**Mishas POV**

After my talk with Jensen I waited, days went by, but my inbox stayed empty, I was sure something has happened to Y/N, she wouldn’t stop texting like that, I was sure I failed at helping her, I was a crappy friend,  why hadn’t I got her help when I thought she needed it? Every now and then I wrote a few lines and sent it, my hope left slowly, but I didn’t want to give up, I couldn’t. As long as I didn’t know exactly what was up with her I felt some kind of responsibility for her. I couldn’t just stop caring. I kind of saved her life, at least she told me this more than one time. Last time she replied that she was feeling good, yes, sure I knew depression doesn’t just leave the other day, but… yeah, but… I should have known it, I should have taken care of her more.

Day after day I checked my mails, my tumblr-Inbox, I looked her tumblr-profile up, just absence, no goodbye, no sign of life, not a comment about her sudden leaving. I now was sorry that I never asked Y/N for another way to keep up contact to her. A way other than a stupid blog-page. Any other way to make her recognize me would be great. Just some sign that she was alive. Nearly every, or every second day I shot her a message, every day a bit different, but always with quite the same content. Today I started typing again, by now it nearly was a ritual for me, just a few lines, but enough to tell Y/N that I didn’t forget her. 

> _ “Hey lovely, _
> 
> _ I haven’t heard from you in ages, and wanted to make sure you are okay. Just give me a short text if you are fine, you know how my mind works, you know I worry. _
> 
> _ I know this is my fourth text in about a week, but you never were silent so long, so what happened? I’m sure talking will help, getting it off your soul is always a good thing. I’m ready to listen, Y/N, I’m here. _
> 
> _ Please write me! _
> 
> _ Dmitri” _

This night, as many nights before I thought about my failure, I hadn’t slept well in days, I saw the worried look on Jensen’s face when I was on set or when we did something together, I saw the pain in his eyes when he watched me and for him I tried to hide this feelings, the tiredness, I tried to be the ‘good old Misha’ I always was before, funny and happy, always joking. He shouldn’t get pulled into this, he didn’t earn that, he was a good friend, had nothing to do with it. I always tried to keep Jensen happy, but he didn’t buy it, he knew me, he knew I was beaten.

I often cried myself into sleep, thought about that life I probably wasn’t able to save, I read the old texts, cut myself off the others, I didn’t even want to go to conventions anymore, I realized that all these people put hopes and wishes in me and I couldn’t give them what they needed. I couldn’t be the role-model they were looking for, the angel they wanted me to be. I wasn’t any of that. I wasn’t able to help one single human being.

Once Jensen realized how bad it really was he was so sweet and caring, he often visited after work, cooked for the two of us, stayed for some movie nights, listened to my stories, he held me when I couldn’t stop crying, held me until I was asleep, sometimes stayed the night. He really had my back. Now I understood what Y/N had needed and what I couldn’t be for her, I always thought I was the thing to hold on, but now, I was in a similar situation I couldn’t imagine just having someone to talk over text-messages.

 

**Your POV**

You didn’t know Jacob long, but you developed a serious bond to him. A friendship, he was the one who held you, you decided to go along with the “play-the-happy-kid” as long as you could. After the loss of Dmitri, he was the only one who was there for you, he told you that so often that after some time you told yourself until you believed it.

After a good talk by a cup of coffee he drove you home and not for the first time you asked him if he wanted to join you for a movie or something. He normally told you he has got some work to do and wouldn’t come in, but today he smiled and nodded. You nodded as well when he parked the car in front of your house. In fact it was not your house, you rented a little flat in it, but who cares. You led him inside and showed him your flat. While you waited for the elevator you told Jacob why you lived by yourself, “You know, when I moved out from home, no, when your Mom kicked me out from home…” you swallowed hard, no, you didn’t want to talk about that. Not now. Maybe another time. “so I lived with some girls, I was 16, they were a bit older and it was horrible, so as soon I could afford it I moved into a own flat.”  You quickly shut the story.

He looked unpleased “You can tell me everything, you know that?” he said, but  in his tone wasn’t much empathy, at least you thought that. “I know. Thank you for being here for me.” You said and smiled when the elevator doors opened. “3 rd floor.” You just said to Jacob, who stood closer to the buttons. In the elevator you didn’t say a word. It felt a bit awkward, you have never showed a guy your place, you hardly showed anyone your place.

*Stay calm* you told yourself and unlocked the door. “Come in.” you said and threw a shy smile. Your flat wasn’t very big, but enough for you. There was a little living room, with a cozy little couch, a TV-set, a few cupboards with books, and DVD’s, a small kitchen with a dining table and your bedroom with a king-sized bed. On the wall hung a few pictures, mostly in black, white and some dark red, highly abstract, but you felt the felt the spirit they sent out, you saw them on a street market and immediately fell in love with them.

“Wow. It’s nice here.” Jacob said. He checked out your furniture. You slightly nodded, you were unsure if he really liked it or if he just wanted to be polite. When he looked at you and smiled, you smiled back and asked “Would you like something to drink, maybe some wine or beer?” he nodded “Wine sounds nice.” You took a bottle red wine and poured a glass for him and a bottle with beer for yourself. “I’m more the beer-type.” you said to him and smiled. “So, what do you want to watch?” - “You always talk of this TV-show with those two brothers, maybe you should introduce me to those.” He answered and agreed euphorically. “Sure. I’m always up to some Supernatural”

You took the first season out of the shelf and shoved the first DVD in the DVD-Player. You didn’t know how many times you have seen this show, but every time you really enjoyed it, everything of it. How Dean broke into Sam’s and Jess’ room, how Sam defended himself and of course the famous “Dad’s on a hunting trip and he hasn’t been home in a few days”. You nearly shivered of joy.

With a look to Jacob you saw no emotions, he even looked a bit bored. You felt a bit disappointed, but maybe he would get more excited about it when he got a little bit into it. When in the last scenes Jess burnt at the ceiling and you nearly started to cry because of Sam’s loss, he laughed. You stared at him. What was wrong with him? “The bad special effects.” He just explained, but you still felt a bit angry. Yes, the show was trashy, but no, that was not a scene to laugh.

“I’m sorry, Y/N” he said and gently put his arm around your shoulders. “I didn’t know the show meant so much to you.” First you wanted to pull away, but then you leaned a bit into his touch. While the second episode started he softly stroke over your cheek. “Jacob,-“ you started, but before you could say anything you felt his lips on yours. First it felt strange, you wanted to stop, pull away, but he held you tight, didn’t let you go, and a few seconds later you allowed the unfamiliar touch, though you couldn’t really enjoy it. You allowed Jacob to continue the kiss, as after all, he had helped you so much, by being a friend, listening to you, not judging. You trusted Jacob, he wouldn’t hurt you, he cared for you. But then, so had Dmitri...


	6. Hard times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frienship goals?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")

**Your POV**

You let Jacob kiss you for a few moments, and then pulled away. “Jacob… I- I don’t know, if that’s a good…” but again he interrupted you “Y/N, I said you a thousand times that I’m here for you. I think it’s time for me to show you, to show you that I care, let me show it to you.” He said and held your face in his hands as he kissed you again. You let it happen. Let him kiss you, but you didn’t kiss back. You still weren’t sure if this was a good idea. After some moments Jacob looked at you. “See. It didn’t hurt, did it?” he softly strokes a strand of hair out of your face and looked into your eyes.

You stared at him for a few seconds, but then slowly shook your head unable to speak. With a growing smile on his face, he touched your cheek one more time, then just put his arm back around your shoulders and pulled you a bit closer to him. You didn’t do anything, because you didn’t want to lose him and to be honest it doesn’t feel that bad to cuddle a bit. Carefully you leaned your head against his shoulder and turned your eyes back to the TV-screen, but after that incident you couldn’t concentrate on the show anymore, thoughts running through your head, what did just happen?

Episode after episode were on the box and you got more and more tired, at episode 5 you kept falling asleep over and over again. “I think it’s time for me to go to bed.” You stated and grabbed the empty beer bottles, which were standing next to the couch. During watching you filled up the glasses and bottles again and again and you wanted to put them away before going to bed.

You felt a little groggy, when you got up. Everything around you was moving, maybe it were the recent incidents with Jacob, or the alcohol, most likely both, which affected you, but fact was you felt weaker than ever before. Jacob came to you, as well a bit unsecure on his feet. “Everything okay, sugar?” he asked with a sweet voice. You turned around but you had to hold on the counter “Yeah. Just a bit tipsy, but don’t call me sugar, please” You pleaded; this was the name your Dad called you and you really didn’t want to be reminded. Carefully not to fall, you tried to get past him, but he gripped your wrist and pulled you closer. “It was a nice evening, Y/N” he whispered in your ear, you could smell the alcohol in his breath and your stomach rumoured at the smell. “Look at me!” he commanded, he was  deadly serious now. You shivered slightly when you lifted your head to look at him. “Did you like the evening?” he asked and looked at you, holding you so you couldn’t move. “So?” Feeling the upcoming sickness in your stomach you quickly nodded. “Say it!” he told you. “Yes… I enjoyed it.” You pressed out. “Good.” he said, holding your face with one hand, kissing you deeply, after that he loosened his grip and let you slip past him.

Immediately you ran to the toilet, tried as good as you could to hold your hair and puked your gut out. After a few seconds Jacob was behind you, helped you holding your hair, he stroke your back calmingly and when you couldn’t throw up anymore he gave you a towel and a glass of water. “You shouldn’t drink as much, darling.” He said. “Are you okay?” when you nodded Jacob helped you up and steadied you, so you could brush your teeth. The vomiting had weakened you, so you were glad Jacob was here to hold you, yeah, most likely he was right, it was from the alcohol, you never could drink much. He just wanted to help you, you told yourself. “I’m okay, I’m going to bed now.” You said once again and he smiled and helped you to your bedroom. “Would you mind if I stay the night?” he asked, completely out of mind you shook your head. “You can stay, if you want to.” You managed to say. He had a wide smile on his face, which you didn’t realize, you just wanted to sleep. Without putting on a Pyjama you laid down and the last thing you felt was Jacob laying down next to you, putting an arm around your waist. Then you fell into a deep, but restless sleep.  

 

**Mishas POV**

It was Convention Weekend, Chicago Con, Jensen persuaded me, not to cancel the plans and join the cast. I really didn’t want to go there, I couldn’t lie to those people who put their hopes in me, I never felt like that before, maybe it was a bad idea to get in touch with the fans unrecognized. Maybe I faced an abyss I didn’t even know that exists, but because of Jensen I got better, I still silently hoped for an answer and checked my inbox regularly, but the more days went by the more time I got to get used to the situation. On set it was okay, I did my job, I still wasn’t the one I was before, but I got along with the filming, but I was terribly afraid of cons. I know lots of people saw me as their idol, but I couldn’t do this any longer. Fuck, what did this girl to me? “Mish?” I shook my head to get a clear mind and looked in the direction the voice came from, Jared looked at me confused. “Sorry, what?” I asked with an innocent smile. “I asked if you want to join grabbing some drinks?” he repeated, “Oh, yes, uhm, no. Actually I’m quite tired, I’ll head to bed early today.” I said and again gave him a smile. For a short moment I thought he would ask something, but then he nodded slowly and turned to the rest of the cast. “Have a good night then” he said with a honest smile and went away with them. A moment I watched them leaving and then I turned away to go back to your room.

It wasn’t wrong, I was tired as hell, but I knew as soon as I got to sleep I would dream some shit, some serious crap about Y/N being dead, found somewhere by the police, her parents not even caring about her and I was the one to blame, I was the one who couldn’t stop her. My whole body trembled as I heard a knock on the door. I didn’t want to open, I stayed where I was and kept quiet, it knocked again and again. “Come on, buddy, I know you are in there and I know you aren’t asleep” a familiar voice got through the door. When I heard the voice my body instantly calmed down a bit. “Jensen.” I whispered. It took me long to get off my bed and bring myself to the door to open it, but Jensen waited patiently outside. When he saw my trembling, weak body he stepped to me and pulled me in a close hug. “Everything okay, brother?” he asked and closed the door behind him not a second loosen the hug. I smelled his scent and my vision started blurring because of the tears rushing in my eyes. “Come here, buddy.” Jensen said, I could nearly hear his sad smile in his voice. He guided me to the bed and sat there next to me, gently stroking my back and giving me the time I needed.

“Jensen, why are you here? With a sobbing mess like me instead of enjoying some drinks with the others?” I asked him, after I more or less stopped crying. I looked him into the eyes and saw a sad glance. “You should join the rest of the crew, I- I’m okay.” I continued. He said nothing for a while and just looked at you. Then a little, sad smile sneaked on his lips “Look at you. You give all of yourself to other people, to Jared, when he fought his battle, to me, when I needed it and still need it and even to a girl, who you don’t even know, you give everything you have to the people around you.” He again stroke softly and calming over my back. “Let me give something back, let me be there for you, buddy, that’s what family is about, isn’t it?” I looked into Jensen’s eyes once again. “Misha, I know that you are not alright, look at you, you don’t eat enough, don’t sleep enough, you worry, it’s okay, I get it, but don’t say you are okay, not when the dark circles under your eyes are visible through the makeup.” I nodded, leaned my head to his shoulder. “Can you stay?” I whispered, I knew about the rumours about Jensen and me and it was dangerous to get caught by some press or some fans, especially at a convention, but I also knew I wouldn’t sleep the night if I was alone. Once again I looked at him, desperately, and without hesitation he nodded. “Sure. Just let me get some stuff from my room, I’ll be right back.” He said, gave me a light squeeze and got up to pick up his stuff, he took the room-key with him, so he doesn’t need to knock again.

When he left I felt the cold crawl into me, I laid down stared to the ceiling and waited, the minutes felt like hours, I got tired, felt the sleep pulling down my eyelids but every time I closed them there was another scenario of pure horror. I curled up and tried my best to keep myself up and when I heard the door open the tension fell off, most of it. Soon I felt Jensen next to me. “You are ice-cold, Misha. Come here.” He put the blanket around me and him. “I’m here, buddy, I got you” he said quietly. “It will be alright, just get some sleep now, buddy, get some sleep, it will help.” He whispered while stroking my back and calming me. “Thanks, Jensen, maybe you are right.” I mumbled and fell asleep soon after that, curled up next to Jensen, his arm around me.  

 

**Your POV**

The following day you woke up, not exactly knowing what happened last night. You stirred around and felt someone next to you. What? You opened your eyes and tried somehow to figure out what happened. There was Jacob, your head threatened to explode, your stomach rebelled and everything hurt. Then you recognized you had no clothes on, what happened? You didn’t remember anything. Slowly, trying not to wake Jacob you grabbed your phone. No new messages. The next second you felt a hand pulling you back. “Good morning, Y/N” sounds from behind you. Jacob turned you around easily, so you had to face him. “Morning” you said. “Having a hangover?” he asked smiling. You just nodded. “I told you not to drink that much beer. He pulled you closer and kissed you softly, suddenly some memory came back. The kiss, no the kisses, plural. Then the puking. Then there was nothing left, you didn’t know if anything happened after that. “Jacob… D-did we…?” you were afraid to ask but he shook his head. “You were out after a few seconds, no we did not have sex.” He told you. You nodded thoughtfully. He pulled you in for another, more demanding kiss and after a moment you kissed back, you felt the smile on his face and it made you happy that he was happy with you.

After a little breakfast Jacob left, he had to go to work soon, but he told you he would come back for dinner. When he was gone you decided to  put away the leftovers from yesterday and take a shower. You didn’t feel well after all. When you stripped your clothes you discovered some bruises all over your body, at your hips, your arms and also your thighs, what happened? You turned up the hot water, as hot as you could take it and let it stream over your hurting body. Thoughts run through your head, but there was no memory. After the shower you decided to look at your tumblr inbox and write to Dmitri, you didn’t know what else to do at the moment.


	7. Relationship goals?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and girls,  
> this is my first ever fan-fic, and I am not an English-Native-Speaker, so please don't hate me for any mistakes I made, I know I'm not good at this, but writing kind of a therapy for myself and I decided to share it, please be kind. :)  
> I am posting this fic on tumblr as well (On my SPN-fanfic-blog "fanficcollection")

**Your POV:**

The moment you opened your tumblr-inbox you knew you were the worst kind of friend somebody could have. There were loads of messages, every day a new one, after all this time Dmitri still didn’t give you up, the last message was just a day old. Sure they got shorter with the time, but he still checked up on you every day. You decided to read every message, every single one, you didn’t want him to invest time for nothing, you wanted that every single line he wrote was at least read. You started with the first one, it came in 3 and a half weeks ago. You smiled, it sounded just like always, you missed Dmitri, just by reading the first few lines you felt this trust you always shared with Dmitri.

> _ “Hey Y/N, _
> 
> _ I’m sure you have loads of things to do, so I won’t bother you. I just wanted to check up on you quickly. So how is university going and how are you? Here there isn’t a lot going on, just usual stuff. :) _
> 
> _ Looking forward to hearing from you _
> 
> _ Dmitri” _

Two days later there was another text, it sounded more worried.

> _ “Hey lovely, _
> 
> _ You haven’t answered since a few days, are you okay? Is there some issue with your phone or something like that? But you surely know that you can read messages from the computer, do you? Yeah, at least when you read this you will know, please write me, Y/N. What’s up in your life? Has something important happened? You see, so many questions, you will have days of work to answer all of them. ;) _
> 
> _ Love, _
> 
> _ Dmitri” _

There were tears in your eyes when you read that, that was just a few days after you were released from the hospital after your breakdown. You could just have told him everything, he was there, it wasn’t like this stupid girls in you university said, there was somebody caring about you. Without looking at the other messages, you didn’t count them, but there were a lot of them you opened a blank message

> _ “My dear Dmitri, _
> 
> _ I am so sorry I did this to you, I was an egoistic, stupid girl. But I’m okay, I think. I’m here, I’m alive. Maybe that’s the most important for you to know. I’m still here and I’m still fighting against the demons chasing me, I would be a traitor to Sam, Dean and Cass if I just stopped, wouldn’t I. It would be like giving up, I couldn’t do this to them, ether to the brothers nor to the actors, they put all their life into this fight against mental illness, I just can’t give up, even if they don’t know me, my problems, my life, but I can’t do it. Long story short, I’m still alive and I’m here on tumblr again. _
> 
> _ I’m so sorry I let you down and I totally understand if you want me to stop writing to you, now you know I’m okay. I’ve put you through a lot of shit, I feel so bad about it but I hope you can forgive me. _
> 
> _ Just shoot me a short message, if you could do me this last favour before stop writing. I know it’s hard, but please, please, forgive me the shit I’ve put your through. _
> 
> _ Love, _
> 
> _ Y/N” _

You stopped for a short moment, stared out of the window for a while. You didn’t expect him to forgive you, you put him through at least 3 weeks of total horror, but you had to try and fix things. When you focussed your eyes back at the text and before you could delete the whole message you hit the >send< -button. Then you got back in bed, cried and read the remaining texts he sent you during your absence.

 

**Mishas POV**

Jensen stayed the whole night, impossible for him to sleep well, but he stayed, he let me curl up next to him and I really enjoyed not being alone. Although I was awake at 6 o’clock, I silently got up to give Jensen some space to get himself just a little bit of sleep before the convention starts. I took some clothes and went in the bathroom to get a hot shower; I had to look acceptable today if I want the fans to not notice my condition. When I turned on the water and waited for it to get warm I looked at myself in the mirror, Jensen was right; the dark shadows under my eyes were not to miss. When we were filming, this wasn’t too bad, they just put more make-up on but at a con? I never wore make-up at a con.

After the shower and drying myself I looked through my bag with all the toiletries and luckily found some kind of concealer to put on, it wasn’t perfect but it was better than nothing. I looked at me once again and was more or less content with my appearance. Then I put on a t-shirt with our Love-Print and simple blue Jeans.  When I came out of the bathroom Jensen was still sleeping peacefully, I took my phone off the nightstand and checked my social accounts, answered some tweets and played some games to keep myself busy. When I checked the time I realized it was time to wake Jensen, so he had enough time to take a shower before attending the convention. I gently rubbed his shoulder. “Jensen, wake up.” He slowly started to stir and groaned “Not now.” I smiled. “You won’t get any breakfast if you won’t get up now.” I teased. He stirred once again and opened his eyes. “Okay, okay, I’m up” he said and rolled his eyes. “How are you?” he asked me once he sat up in my bed. “I’m good, I guess. Better than yesterday anyways. Thanks for having my back.” I smiled then I stood up and took a bottle of water from the desk. “You have 20 minutes left until breakfast.”

After breakfast there was some time left which I spent in the green room with Rich, Rob and the band, while Jensen and Jared did their J2 panel. Today was Sunday, so a lot of the other actors were still asleep because they didn’t have a panel and they had a long night yesterday. Rich was sleeping on a couch next to me and Rob was playing some soft songs to get into the day. I enjoyed the silent sound of Rob’s guitar and him humming some tunes.

 

Soon the band had to go on stage to play goodbye to J2 and I knew it would soon be time for my solo-panel and to be honest I was petrified, but on the other hand it had always went well until now. So when Rob started to sing “Angel”, the song they picked for my entrance I took a deep breath, put on a smile and stepped on the stage. Jensen gave me a wink, pulled me in a hug and whispered “You can do this, I’ll be there if you need me.” Then he waved the crowd, put his hand on his heart-side of his breast and left the stage.

The panel went by without complication, the fans were nice as always, they told me amazing stories how they loved the show or Castiel, they gave me so much love, and as one girl told me that we, Jared, Jensen and I literally saved her life I couldn’t hold it together longer, tears welled up in my eyes and I heard the “Ohh”s and “Awww”s from the crowd. I wiped the tears away and suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and heard the fans yelling. I quickly turned my head to see who was there, even if I knew it already. Jensen smiled at me while resting his hand on my shoulder. He took the mic and turned to the fan who told his story “I listened to your story backstage and I just couldn’t stay back there” he said. “You have to know you mean so much to us, we are so glad we have you having our back and we often hear your storys, I don’t know how I deserve you awesome bunch of people, but you have to know that we have our back as well.” He gave me some time to calm down a bit and I nodded to the things he said. “I couldn’t have said that better.” I said and turning to the fan, who spoke I said “I’m so glad you kept fighting…” a tear rolled down my cheek “and look at all those people, every single one here is part of our family, every single one, including Jensen and me and of course the whole cast backstage has your back.” I smiled when Jensen gave me a light squeeze and I saw the band coming on stage. “That was a perfect closing for this panel, and it’s true, everyone in here is freaking awesome, I’m proud to be part of this family.” Rich said and smiled towards Jensen and me. I waved the crowd, showed them the heart sign with my hands and left the stage together with Jensen.

 

“You did so well out there.” Jensen said and patted my shoulder “Thanks. And thanks for saving me” I said back and sat next to him on a couch in the green room as my mobile phone buzzed. I quickly looked at the display and… what… no… I freezed when I saw the notification coming from my tumblr-app. That couldn’t be true…  “What happened?” Jensen asked worried. I couldn’t speak. No.. That had to be a bad joke… “Y/N… I… I just g-got a message from her. Tumblr just gave me a notification.” I started shivering slightly. “You think it’s a good idea to read it?” he asked. “Now? You know you have to get on the stage again in a few minutes.” He was truly worried. “Yeah.. But I can’t just go out there and ignore it.” I answered unlocking the phone. “I have to. I need to know what happened.” I said while opening the text. “Okay.” He just said and watched me while I waited for tumblr to open the inbox.

 

I read through the text once, twice, three times. She was okay, I couldn’t believe it, she was alive, she didn’t say why she stopped writing, just that she was there again. I didn’t know what to do now, obviously she expected me to hate her for doing this, for not writing me. She kind of told me that I saved her, how could I hate her for that? I turned my eyes to Jensen and gave him the phone so he could read the message as well. He quickly read through it and a smile appeared on his face. “So she is okay, isn’t that a good thing?” he said giving me my phone back. “It is, but she thinks I hate her for doing this to me, but I don’t, Jensen.” He smiled. “I know, buddy, just tell her. Tell her that you are glad to hear from her again, that you are happy to know that she is okay, that you will be here for her although her absence, tell her that her friendship is more important to you than this absence. Tell her just like you told me. Do you remember? When I held his secrets from all of you, when I had this hard time? You never judged, you just said you will be there, always, and you are. Just tell her that, because I see that you care about her, just like you care about us.“ he said and I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder. “Thanks, Jensen. What would I do without you?”

 

I planned to reply after the last panel, when I had enough time to find the right words, I already knew vaguely what I wanted to say and one thing I also knew was that I couldn’t go through such a time again, I had to meet Y/N, I had to get to knew her, I didn’t know how, but I knew I had to.  

 


	8. Answer time

With some new energy the text gave me I mastered the rest of the convention, the panels flew by and soon it was time for the closing ceremony and with the knowledge of Y/N being okay I could enjoy the whole day. I had a smile tugged on my face and when the whole convention sang “Carry on my wayward son” together I got goose bumps. From time to time I saw Jensen looking at me, and smiling, sometimes I met his gaze and he seemed truly content with the situation.

After the convention ended, I went to my room, there were two more hours left before our drivers picked you up for the flight back to Vancouver. I first packed all my things to my carry-on bag, I never brought much stuff with me to a convention weekend, then I lied down on the bed, took my phone out to make some notes on my answer, which I wanted to do later, but then I saw there were a few messages from the cast:

 

**_Rob (5 min ago): Hey buddies, what about some farewell-drinks? In 10min in the Lobby? Dick &Rob_ **

 

**_Jared (3 min ago): Mish, are you joining for some drinks?_ **

 

**_Jensen (2 min ago): Are you in your room? I’m on my way to you before good-bye drinks. :)_ **

 

After reading that text I heard a knock, probably Jensen. I quickly jumped up and went to the door to open it. When I saw the familiar face I let him immediately in the room. “Are you joining for the goodbye drinks?” he asked and the first time in a few weeks I really thought about it and nodded.  “I think it’s not a bad idea.” I said and smiled. Jensen smiled as well. “Good to see you this happy, bro” he said and patted my shoulder. “Have you answered her yet?”  he asked. “No, I guess it will take some quiet time to find the right words, I don’t want to put pressure on her and I don’t want to send just a ‘quick text’.” I took my phone from the nightstand and went to the door “Ready to go?” I asked looking at Jensen. He nodded slowly and left my room before me so I could lock it behind me.

 

Later that day, back at my place in Vancouver I took my laptop, it was an important text and writing it was a lot easier on the computer, there was more space and it was easier to organize the scraps of words I had in my mind at the moment. First I put my earplugs in and looked up a inspiring playlist then I opened tumblr and started typing slowly, I often typed and deleted it, it took me a while to find the right words, but then it started to fit together.

> _ “Dear Y/N, _
> 
> _ I hope you got all my texts, every single one, I as well hope you saw what they meant, they mean that I’m there even if you are not, I don’t stop being there, I’m here when you need it, when you are ready. It’s sad to hear that the demons are still chasing you, but I was so happy to read that you are still fighting them, that’s a quality that tells a lot about you. _
> 
> _ And as I told you, unless you want me to stop writing, I’m here, there is nothing to forgive, nothing for you to feel bad about and once again, because no one could ever hear it too often, you are important! To me, to other people out there, I care, I’m here when you need someone to talk. _
> 
> _ Y/N, what you said about the characters and the actors really got into my mind. You are such a strong girl and I think I got something that would maybe help you to keep up your fight. Some time ago I got myself some Con-Tickets for Vancouver Con, but sadly I can’t attend the con due to job issues, so I have to find someone to give my tickets to. Would you like to attend the con? I know, it’s probably hours of flying from your home town, but I would give you the tickets for free. Please, do me a favour and visit the guys, meet them, see it as a reward for your brave fight. _
> 
> _ I’m looking forward to hear from you! _
> 
> _ Love, _
> 
> _ Dmitri “ _

I read the mail again and again, but then I decided to just go for it and sent it. Hopefully she would accept the offer to meet us in Vancouver; it was a possibility to get to know her without revealing that I lied to her about my real identity. Maybe I could talk about it to her in person; at least I could try to avoid a misunderstanding by talking from face to face.

 

**Your POV**

While reading the messages you fell asleep, you were deadly tired even though you slept in in the morning. In your sleep you started crying, you dreamt crazy things about Jacob, you could almost feel his fingers on your skin and you started shivering by that thought. The memories of yesterday came up, you felt like you saw the scenes from some outside: you saw when he slowly pressed his lips on yours, when you first rejected it, because it didn’t feel right, your stomach turned by this scene, then you allowed it and even leaned into the kiss, you could nearly feel his lips, smell his scent.  

Then all of a sudden there was an annoying noise, you didn’t know where it came from but you couldn’t stop it. When you woke up you recognized what the noise was, your phone, an awkward standard ringtone. You first thought it was just an alarm you set to not oversleep, but as it kept ringing you noticed someone was calling you. “What?” you answered the phone without looking who was calling. “Hey darling” the voice on the other end said “are you alright? You sound sleepy, have you slept until now?” he asked, it was Jacob. “I’m okay. Just a headache and very tired.” You said shortly. “And no, I was up for a few hours, but then I laid down again, because of my head.” There was a bit of a lie in it, your head was okay, but you didn’t want to tell him that you texted Dmitri and you of course didn’t want him to know you cried the whole afternoon about Dmitri’s messages.

 

“So can I still come over tonight?” he asked politely “I can bring some food, maybe pizza or Chinese?”  you thought about a good answer, he already told you in the morning that he would stop by for dinner, but somehow you needed some alone-time, but you were to slow. “You know what-“ he said, “I’m coming at about eight, I’m so sorry I can’t be there earlier. Is pizza ok with you?” You didn’t know what to say, you didn’t want to lose him, you’ve already lost Dmitri because of your shitty behaviour, so you just accepted and ended the call.

You decided to put on some comfortable clothes and go for a walk to clear your mind, university things floated round your head, there was not much time left this semester, you thought about getting a summer job, maybe travelling a bit. When you got into a nearby park you sat down for a moment, your mind wandered, you thought about everything and anything, you didn’t want to go back, everything seemed peaceful here. Taking your  phone out you scrolled through your Facebook feed; you were not one of the persons who posted every little thing, you were more the observer; you looked at profile pictures of your former classmates, many of them were in a relationship according to their profile. They seemed happy, but on the other hand, you as well didn’t share your down times, all the information on this page were just illusions of happy lives.

You closed Facebook, it made you angry to see all their lies. Instead you opened up Tumblr, Tumblr was different. A smile sneaked on your face when you thought of that convention, where Misha was confronted with Tumblr and trying to understand it; he had compared it to Facebook and every single one reacted not amused.  While your blog was loading a small sign popped up to show you that you had a new message in your inbox, it was about an hour old. Why didn’t you see that one earlier? Maybe tumblr was fucking around again. Then it dawned to you, the notifications on your phone were still turned off. Whatever, there were more important things right now! With shivering fingers you entered your inbox, it was from Dmitri, your heart sank, your stomach turned and your vision blurred, you knew it was his last message, it had to be, you couldn’t imagine he want to keep your friendship up after everything that happened.

You had to take a few deep breaths to calm down; it wasn’t easy to keep your eyes focussed on the lines when you finally managed to open the text. For a short moment you stopped, did you really want to read it, after that message you had most likely lost the human being you trusted. But you had to know if he at least forgave you. Yeah, you had to read it. So you started to concentrate again, tears silently rolling down your cheeks, you slowly read one word after the other you didn’t catch the meaning at first.

Unknowingly you looked out for some words of reject, some kind of insult, some complaining, but there was… nothing. Nothing like that, no hate. Like earlier in your friendship. There were just nice words, again. Why couldn’t he be human once, he always was so calm, so friendly, so caring. “How did I deserve him?” you mumbled. Then you started again, reading the text, processing it.

The next moment you got interrupted, your phone was ringing, again. You saw Jacob’s name flash on the display and you waited a moment before answering “Hey. What’s up?” you asked. Your mood was a lot better than before, to know you haven’t lost Dmitri lifted you up and there couldn’t go anything wrong today. “I’m right in front your door and obviously you aren’t at home.” Jacob said “I thought we said 8 o’clock?” You quickly checked the time, it was 5 minutes after eight. “I’m so sorry, I’ll be home in about 5 to 10 minutes. I completely forgot the time.” He said something you didn’t understand, but then his voice got softer “Okay babe, just hurry up a bit, the pizza is getting cold.” He said nicely and you promised to be there as soon as possible. Then you ended the call, got up and went back to your place, you were happy, nothing could break your mood tonight.

 

When you arrived Jacob smiled friendly and gave you a hug with his free hand and pulled you in into a kiss, it didn’t feel that bad as you remembered it from yesterday. You kissed back lightly and unlocked the door. “Come in.” you invited him and closed the door behind him. “How was your day, darling?” he asked you while he put the pizza on a counter on the kitchen. “It started a bit nasty with the headache and so on, but then it turned out quite okay. I made it a lazy day, was quite cool. What about your day?” you asked back politely. “Was okay I guess, there wasn’t much to do at the hospital, so it got a bit boring, but I looked forward to this the whole day.” He answered and once again pulled you into a kiss. He gently stroke your neck with one hand and placed the other one on your back. The touch felt good and you leaned in it, you felt his lips curl up to a smile during the kiss and you had to smile as well. Then all of a sudden he pulled away and you silently whined. “The pizza is getting cold.” He told you with a smirk on his face and you nodded. “What about a nice movie and pizza on the couch?” he suggested and you quickly nodded. You let him choose the movie and he went with a romantic drama, then you got some drinks, non-alcoholic today and sat down next to him.

After you were finished with eating you put the carton on the floor and Jacob slipped a bit closer to you. You leaned your head against his shoulder and felt his hands caress your upper arm. It felt nice, maybe you were just too drunk yesterday to realize it, maybe you totally overreacted. 


	9. The following evening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a though chapter, please don't hate me for it, but it just happened.

**Your POV**

After the film has ended, you and Jacob were snuggled up and it felt right, it felt good to lay there with him, you were tired as hell, but everything felt save, it felt good to know Dmitri wasn’t mad on you, it felt good to have Jacob here to care about you, everything seemed perfect. When the screen went dark you still laid there, you didn’t say anything, for some time you laid there in the dark and just breathed, Jacobs hand still stroking your shoulder every now and then. After some time, it felt like hours, but it couldn’t be longer than a few minutes you lifted your eyes to look at his face, and when you met his gaze he slowly moved his hand to your face, slowly touching your cheek, then he bent forward to press his lips on yours, gently, you didn’t pull away, you enjoyed the unfamiliar touch, it was the first time you really wanted it, wanted to kiss him. You gently leaned into the kiss, put your hands on his shoulders and pulled him closer. His hands wandered under your shirt, caressed the skin on your stomach, you had to giggle “Don’t tickle, that’s unfair” you just whispered and he laughed as well, but he stopped tickling and started stroking your lower back, smoother, softer. Soon you were fallen back into deep, passionate kisses, one of your hands drifted through his dark hair, he slightly moaned into the kiss and you smiled a bit. His hands went up on your back, slowly, every now and then staying a moment, stroking softly, making you shiver because of the sensation. Soon they reached your bra, you gasped when he touched your breasts through the fabric, but he didn’t seem to notice, it wasn’t unpleasant, so you didn’t say anything and just let him continue. He kneaded your breasts, softly and soon you couldn’t hold back and let out a silent moan, it was his time to smile. “Y/N…” he whispered near your ear, kissing along your jawbone “I… I want you.” He gasped, kissing down your neck. You didn’t know what to say, it felt so good, you have never felt that kind of sensation before. “Y/N… I’ve waited long enough.” He whispered when he took the hem of your shirt and slowly pulled it up. You moaned again, a bit louder than before, you never witnesses anything like that, when he wanted to fully remove your shirt you just smiled, watching him as the shirt left your body. You shivered, feeling his hands explore your body. Quickly your bra was opened and fell off, the sudden cold made you shake a bit more than before. The next moment he stood up and looked at you, you were not sure what to do, then a smirk turned up at his face. He leaned down, kissing you deeply and lifting you, not breaking the kiss. Surprised you pulled back, he growled, kissed along your jaw, carrying to your bedroom. Soon you realized what he was up to, you relaxed a bit, enjoying his kisses. When he set you down on your bed, his hands nearly immediately tried to remove your pants, you just wore a pair of sweatpants, so it didn’t take too long. “Jacob..” you moaned slightly embarrassed when you sat there, completely naked, he looked at you, his eyes were lust-blown. “I want you, Y/N.” He said with a husky voice and pulled his shirt over his head, throwing it on the floor and unbuckled his belt. Then he quickly stripped his pants and boxers, before leaning into you for a deep kiss. You put your hands on his shoulders, enjoying the kiss, you knew what would happen now. “Jacob.. This.. it’s my first time.” You breathed when you broke the kisses to breathe, he just groaned and pressed you back until you laid on the mattress, him on top of you. His hands were everywhere, the sensation of his touch filled you, you couldn’t move, couldn’t say anything, just feel his skin on yours. All of a sudden it all happened at once, you felt something at your entrance, but before you could realize what it was Jacob pushed himself into you, without any preparation.

You felt a stinging hurt, you winced when the pain flashed through your body, but he pressed your hands to the mattress, so you couldn’t move. “Uhh.. Y/N, you are so…” he couldn’t finish the sentence, you saw the bliss in his eyes. When he buried his cock completely into you he stopped for a short moment and leaned down to kiss you, he loosed the grip at your hands, but didn’t let you go. He first kissed your lips, then worked down to your neck, your shoulders. Then he started moving, pulled out slowly and pushed back in, once, twice, it still hurt, but not as much as before. “You feel so good.” He groaned. After that he increased the pacewinced again, a silent tear rolled down your cheek, the burning pain increased, you wanted it to stop, but then, on the other hand Jacob looked so full of bliss, so pleased, you could bear this a bit longer, you told yourself. He pounded into you, then you felt his cock starting to twitch, he slowed down a bit, which made it better for you, not much later he started to breathe heavily, then you felt him cum into you, he thrusted a few more times and then collapsed on you, his twitching cock still in you. He let go of your hands and searched your lips to kiss you and you happily accepted the kiss. His hands gently caressed your body, massaged your breast, it felt good. After some minutes he stood up to get a washcloth to clean you and himself up. “Y/N, I got the morning-after pill for you, I didn’t know if you are on protection.” He just said and put a box with a pill on your nightstand. You just shook your head “Thanks so much. I completely forgot about that.” You said and swallowed the pill without water. “Maybe you should make an appointment with your doctor to think of a method of protection.” He said, while he laid down next to you. You nodded, then you placed your head on his chest and soon you felt him fall asleep. Not much time later you fell asleep as well.

  
Next morning you woke up first, there were dark bruises at your wrists, where Jacob held you yesterday. You looked at him how he still slept peacefully. You smiled, but carefully, not to wake him, you stood up. It hurts awfully between your legs, but you tried to keep it together, put a loose short on and into the kitchen to prepare some breakfast. While you made some French toast you took your mobile to check your messages. You saw you didn’t answer Dmitri yesterday, so you decided to do it right now.

>   
>  _“Dear Dmitri,_   
>  _I really can’t believe you think like this, I got a lot of texts from you, and yesterday I read every single one of them. I love them, I will print them and keep them, I can’t believe you are here even if I put you through hell and back. Dmitri, I know I’m not worth your time, but although I know that I don’t want to lose you, if you don’t say that I should stop, you will be stuck with me for quite a time now. “_

  
You don’t know how that happened, but suddenly there were two human beings, who cared about you, Jacob was here physically, he was the one to touch, the one who touched you. He showed you how physical love had to be, he was there for you.  
And there was Dmitri, who was the one you could talk to, about everything, about everybody, without hesitation. He was the one who understands, who pushes you when you couldn’t go on any longer, the one, who showed you a way when you thought you were in a dead-end road. You needed them both, you needed both parts in your life, you thought. Smiling you flipped over the French toast and then continued to type.

>   
> “But your offer, Dmitri, the con-tickets, I don’t know if I can take them. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to attend a con, to meet all the people there. Maybe to talk to them, but on the other hand I can take this tickets for free from you. They normally cost hundreds of dollars, and you want to give them to me? For what, for nottelling you that I’m still alive, for putting you through this hell for weeks? Dmitri, as glad I would be to get a ticket, at least let me buy them from you. Don’t give them to me for letting you down.  
> I’ll let you know if I can get the money to buy them from you. What kind of tickets are they? I hope they aren’t that expensive, I really would love to attend the con. Just tell me the price.  
> Thank you so much for sticking with me, Dmitri, I can’t say it too often, thank you!  
> Love, Y/N “

  
After reading through it once again you sent the message and concentrated on the breakfast. “Good morning.” You heard from behind you and seconds later you felt two hands slipping around your stomach from behind you. “Morning” you said and turned your head around to see Jacob. “Want some coffee?” you asked and before he answered he gave you a short peck on the lips. Now you turned around completely and shyly pulled him into a more intense kiss. His hands slowly slipped to your breasts, he moaned into the kiss while kneading them softly. After a while of kissing you smelled a burnt smell, shit, the toast. You quickly put it out of the pan and turned the stove off. Then you turned back at him “Breakfast?” you asked him and he nodded.  


**Mishas POV**  
There was not much to do at my place in Vancouver, filming started again tomorrow, so I had to go over the scripts for tomorrow, I thought about going out to a bar, or to ask Jensen, if he would like to do something, but I didn’t want to bother him, he was there for me nearly every day for the last few weeks, he has earned some alone time, especially since he didn’t get much sleep because of me, this night. I opened a bottle of wine at home and put on a film, which I hadn’t seen yet. Every now and then I checked my phone, if I got a reply from Y/N, I don’t know what this girl did to me, maybe it was because she let me see into her world, without knowing who I am, maybe there was something I could relate to in the way she wrote about her struggles, I couldn’t figure it out.  
I went to bed late, but I slept well, the nightmares were nearly blown away. My make-up artist would be grateful if the rings beneath my eyes got less intense, Jensen would be as well.  
Next morning came too quickly, I didn’t get up when my alarm went off, but after I pressed snooze for the 4th time I could get myself to take a shower. That helped, a lot. After showering, having a small breakfast and going through the lines again, I got myself ready for set. Jensen would pick me up, as always. While waiting I checked my phone again, and there it was, the message I waited for the whole time. Just out of nothing. I looked outside, Jensen wasn’t here yet, so I opened it and started to read.  
It made me sad, that she thought like that of herself, like she didn’t deserve something good to happen to her, but she said she wouldn’t stop writing again, that was positive. It seemed like she didn’t have any plan to do something to herself near future, when I wanted to go on I heard the sound of a motor outside, shove the mobile in my front pocket and left the house. I needed time to re-read it, to process what she meant. I could do that later today.


	10. after effects

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is a very short chapter, it’s just a little reminder that I haven’t forgotten this story and it means a lot to me because it’s my first one and you beautiful people wrote so many lovely comments on it. I’m struggling with my own demons at the moment, but eventually I’ll be back and the story will continue. :) Love you girls&guys.

**Mishas POV:**

> _“Dear Y/N,_
> 
> _I would never tell you to stop writing; you are worth every second I-”_

No that sounded too cheesy, I didn’t want to look like a total creep, so I started again.

> _“Dear Y/N,_
> 
> _I would never tell you to stop writing; I told you I will be here so here I am. I told you, you can call out if you need something or somebody and here I am. I am a person who keeps his promises. So no worries. Beside of my promise I’m still here because I think…”_

Yeah, Misha, what do you think? I asked myself and looked out of the window in my office. I wasn’t quite sure. I had never met this person, but I knew nearly everything about her  she trusted me and what was even more important, I trusted her as well. But still I hid behind this stupid alias.

> _“… that you became an important person in my life. Although I never met you in person it is very important to me that you are doing well.”_

That didn’t sound too bad, I thought,  now the second part of the message, the con-tickets. If she knew who I was she would just take them. I thought a lot about just revealing my identity, but wouldn’t she be mad because I lied to her so long. No, I wanted to meet her first, then tell her everything in person, she couldn’t be that mad when I was standing in front of her.

> _“The tickets aren’t that expensive, normal seats. Nothing that special, but you are able to buy autographs and photo op’s at the convention if you want to. But to be honest I don’t want your money for it, I want to give them to you, as a present. Not for letting me down, like you said, because you didn’t let me down, eventually, when you were ready for it you answered, you kept going, and that’s what is important to me. I want do give them to you, as a thank you for keeping up with me. Please just take them._
> 
> _Hope to hear from you soon,_
> 
> _Dmitri”_

It nearly hurt to write that alias as a signature, but I made my decision, I’m going to tell her at the con, from face to face.  I didn’t plan to give her some normal seats in the back, but she would never say yes to front row seats, so I had to find a way to make that happen, to make her believe she was upgraded or the ticket number has won a front row seat or something like that. That was possible; she just had to accept the tickets. I sent the message and turned on the TV to watch a show I discovered a few weeks before, but I couldn’t concentrate.

 

**Your PoV**

After breakfast with Jacob he left very quickly, he said he had some things to do in the hospital and he would come back later that day, probably in the evening, he reminded you to make an appointment with your gynaecologist to talk about birth control, he made clear that he didn’t want to use condoms because he didn’t like the feeling, he said there were enough other ways and when you thought about it you figured out that he was right.

When Jacob was gone and you were alone again you cleaned up the kitchen and then looked up the number of your doctor, you got an appointment on the same day in the early afternoon because some other woman got ill. *Perfect* you thought and went back to your bedroom, to make your bed and clean up there as well, normally you tidied up every Saturday, you didn’t like chaos in your flat, so it was important to you to clean up once a week. Many of your student-colleagues said you were crazy to do that so often, but they thought you were crazy anyways. You didn’t have a lot of friends at your university. Today was Monday, actually there was an important lesson at university, in the late afternoon, maybe you should go there, exams were coming up and you missed many lessons in the last few weeks.

You took the blanket from your bed and fluffed it up a bit when you stopped abrupt, there was a blood stain at the sheet, you shuddered, you read that it was normal to bleed when you had your first time, but you really imagined it a bit different. You quickly changed the sheets and threw the other ones in the washing machine, you wanted to forget the pain, the weird, disgusting feeling you felt after sleeping with Jacob. *This is all normal, I’ll get accustomed to it. He loves me, he really loves me.* you said to yourself, a smile appeared on your face and you laid down for a moment to sink in a daydream of a perfect world, you tried to imagine Jacob as your boyfriend, holding hands, walking through a park, kissing somewhere. It seemed nice. *He loves me, he wants me, he said it yesterday, he wants me.* you said again to yourself. Again and again the pain popped up in your head, but you tried to push it in the back of your mind. *That was the first time, Y/N, it won’t feel like that anymore. I read it often enough, it is normal.* your mind drifted away for a moment, laying there until a sudden ringing of your phone rouse you from slumber. Oh, right, the appointment at the gyn.

You put on some nice clothes, a short white T-shirt and a pair of jeans, you felt a light headache and your stomach hurt, maybe it was the morning-after-pill, they always say it has strong side effects, so you don’t thought about it anymore, but with one look in the mirror you recognized the bruises and the healed-up self-harm scars on your wrists, it looked kinda funny, those pale, pink lines and the purple stains, you smiled, but then you looked again and your mind changed, they looked awful, like you were weak and you couldn’t get grip of your life. Well, in the moments you cut those lines,  you actually felt like this helpless, weak girl. But not at the moment, you had to be happy, you had to be fine, why would you feel bad? You again looked at the purple stains on your wrists and then decided to put on a longer shirt, the doctor doesn’t have to see them, she just would assume things that weren’t true, like everybody always does.

**Author's Note:**

> If you guys have any feedback, ideas, wishes, etc. please just contact me on tumblr or per comment below this work, I promise, I'll answer as soon as I see it. :)


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